Jamie Oliver at the Supermarket Checkout
Sometimes when I'm waiting at the checkout I fantasise that Jamie Oliver is in my local Sainsbury's, filming his new TV show, which involves him accosting customers, looking through their trolleys and finding ways to make households healthier and less obese.
Jamie confronts me and he's like, "Right what have we got 'ere wow right okay where do I even start with this babe?" And I'm like, "Gosh you're shorter than you look on telly" and then I'm like, "What do you mean? This is food and loo paper".
And after five minutes of him picking through my food choices and lamenting our fat society as though it's all my fault, I have had quite enough and I go, "JAMIE! I am a full-time mum, whose job it basically is to cook for my family FOR FREE AND ZERO THANKS. And even I simply cannot be fucked sometimes because I have better things to do that whizz up 17 bags of basil and a £3.65 packet of pine nuts to make half a tablespoon of pukka homemade pesto. The kids' readymade meal is kept in the freezer for those terrifying days on which I wake up unwell but have no choice but to get out of bed and feed my children. The Pom Bears are quite handy for keeping everyone quiet in the car. And I have no excuse for the Bourbons I just really want to eat them and GUESS WHAT I LOVE BIG MACS TOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
And then I'm escorted off the premises by security as everyone starts clapping and cheering and the manager of the store (who from the size of him obviously loves a turkey twizzler) gives me all my shopping free plus double Nectar points.