I could study the Kardashians for a PhD, like some sort of zoologist studying an obscure new species of moth. Don’t pretend you have better things to do than watch their TV show - it’s been fascinating watching their stars rise to the top of the entertainment, fashion and beauty industries over the past decade, by selling every inch of their lives.
The show itself has become a bit less interesting over recent years. This is in part because they seem to have ostracised most of the men in their lives and the majority of episodes now involve the sisters sitting around their pristine and soulless mansions, wearing silk pyjamas and full drag queen make up, discussing the colour theme for their khristmas kard. There are only so many episodes a storyline like that can fill.
But this week’s episode was magic and I need to talk about it. Kim had to go to Japan to get papped wearing all of Kanye’s new season of cycling shorts, because he didn’t want to have to do fashion week again (err or maybe he wasn’t invited because his clothes are so indescribably ugly?).
Poor Kim felt very stressed and under pressure because there were at least four looks per day that had to be photographed: she would walk out of her hotel wearing a pair of grey cycling shorts, get papped and walk back in, change into a different pair of grey cycling shorts, put a grey puffa jacket on, walk out of the hotel, get papped, walk back in again, put a bum bag on.. and so on. Exhausting.
When Kim, Khloe and Kourtney went out to dinner one evening, Kim was very upset because she had to wear one of Kanye’s gopping trouser suits, while her sisters had fun with Japanese-inspired dresses and make up. They were not taking her work seriously, green-eyed Kim said, and she was absolutely right; Kanye’s lycra is a joke.
Back in Los Angeles, Kris was working on a vanity project of her own. She wanted to treat her oldest pal, Sheila, to a facelift, “because she’s such an amazing friend and she’s just always there for me”. Kris had generously booked Garth Fisher, whom I have obviously Googled extensively and now know does the best facelift in Beverly Hills, to do whatever Sheila wanted with her face.
As you can imagine I spent the next ten minutes kursing Kris for her shallow-minded gesture. How on earth could she think that it’s appropriate to give someone a facelift? How very dare she? If someone offered me a free facelift I’d tell them where to go and anyway poor Sheila looks okay those lines are the signs of a good time and life.
And then Sheila unveiled her new face at dinner in Kris’s pristine and soulless mansion and all I could think was, which of my friends is going to be rich and generous enough to send me to Garth Fisher in 15 years time?